Monday, September 28, 2009

10 management lessons from Lehman Brothers demise


By Rick Wartzman

Former Lehman Brothers Vice-President Lawrence McDonald has titled his insider account of the firm's demise A Colossal Failure of Common Sense. Peter Drucker, meanwhile, was once said by the London Business School's Sumantra Ghoshal to "practice the scholarship of common sense."

With this sharp contrast in mind a year after Lehman went bust here are 10 management lessons derived from Drucker's insights:

1. Executives who are preoccupied with their company's daily stock price or consumed with quarterly earnings targets don't make very good stewards of the enterprise.

"The most critical management job is to balance short-term and long-term," Drucker declared in a 1999 interview, adding that a "one-sided emphasis" on the former is "deleterious and dangerous."

Ultimately, said Drucker, deciding "whether a business should be run for short-term results or with a focus on the long term is...a question of values. Financial analysts believe that businesses can be run for both simultaneously. Successful businesspeople know better."

2. Tying individual compensation to short-term gains only exacerbates the problem.

It rewards the executive "for doing the wrong thing," Drucker said. "Instead of asking, 'Are we making the right decision?' the temptation is to ask, 'How did we close today?' It is encouragement to loot the corporation."

The Aspen Institute recently urged companies to "define firm-specific metrics of long-term value," and then use these measures "both to communicate with investors" and to "better align executive compensation" with what truly matters. The Federal Reserve is also considering forcing financial institutions to adopt policies that tie pay to long-term performance. Drucker would have lauded this initiative.

3. People don't like it when those who've exhibited the worst cases of managerial myopia get filthy rich in the process.

Inevitably, said Drucker, there is "an outbreak of bitterness and contempt for the super-corporate chieftains who pay themselves millions." Former Lehman Chief Executive Richard Fuld, who enjoyed $40 million in pay and benefits in 2007, recently complained that he has "been pummeled. They're looking for someone to dump on right now, and that's me," Fuld said.

Drucker, it's plain, wouldn't feel sorry for him. "Few top executives," he once remarked, "can even imagine the hatred...and fury that has been created" because of their unjustified pay. "I don't know what form it will take, but the envy developing from their enormous wealth will cause trouble."

4. High profits don't necessarily mean that you're producing anything of genuine value.

Lehman, in fact, reported record earnings in 2005, 2006, and 2007. That may have impressed the investment community. But that's not what counts in the end. "Securities analysts believe that companies make money," said Drucker. "Companies make shoes."

 

5. Moving money around isn't the same thing as producing actual goods and services.


To be sure, financial instruments have a vital role to play in spreading risk and ensuring the smooth functioning of the global economy. But when Wall Street is generating 40% of U.S. corporate profits, something has gotten way out of whack.

Drucker called this worldwide flow of capital and credit the "symbol economy," as distinct from "the real economy." "Americans," he said, "cannot live in a symbol economy where businessmen play only with numbers."

6. When you buy and sell lots of assets at prices that are considerably higher than the underlying value of what's being traded, the run-up can't possibly last.

"The average duration of a soap bubble is known-it's about 26 seconds," said Drucker. "Then the surface tension becomes too great and it begins to burst. For speculative crazes, it's about 18 months."

7. Even professional bankers, who ostensibly are experts in "risk management," aren't immune from the soap-bubble syndrome.

Of course, this doesn't mean that they don't try to outsmart the system. The tendency is for firms to resort to "'trading for their own accounts,' that is, to outright speculation," Drucker noted. "This, however, as centuries of financial history teach (beginning with the Medici in 15th century Europe) has only one-but an absolutely certainmoutcome: catastrophic losses."

8. It's especially hard to avoid those losses when you don't want to hear any bad news.

Lehman and most other investment banks refused to even contemplate the "potential danger" of becoming overly leveraged, McDonald recounts in his book. "Wall Street was listening for calm seas, record profits, best-ever growth, joy, wealth, prosperity, and b-o-o-o-o-n-u-u-s. Anything less was essentially out of the culture." When Lehman's fixed-income chief warned Fuld about the unsustainable bets that the firm was making, McDonald adds, Fuld "decided to bully him, to belittle him publicly."

Other former Lehman bankers paint a similar picture, saying that Fuld and his top lieutenant weren't interested in dissenting views. But "dissent...is essential for effective decision-making," Drucker said. Without it, those at the top simply can't take on what Drucker described as "the most important task" they're responsible for: "to anticipate crisis."

9. As long as human beings are in charge of our major institutions, this won't be the last crisis we see.

"Scandals are a normal feature of the landscape," said Drucker, who wouldn't be shocked that companies are once again taking on substantial risk and selling the kinds of exotic financial products that triggered the Great Recession. "They very typically begin with something that goes wrong, and you...brush it under the rug. And you end up by trying to brush elephants under the rug. And then it doesn't work any more, and it collapses."

10. "Stupid people make stupid mistakes. Brilliant people make brilliant mistakes."

Rick Wartzman is the executive director of the Drucker Institute at Claremont Graduate University.



Thursday, September 24, 2009

Best Divorce Letter !!


Dear wife: 
 
 
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm
 leaving you forever. 
I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have
nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell.

 
Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today
 & that was the last straw. 
 
Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had
 a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore
 a brand new pair of silk boxers. 
You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after
 watching all of your soaps. 
 
You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't
 want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife.
 
Either you are cheating on me or you don't love me
 anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

 
 
Your, EX-Husband 
 
 
P.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are
 moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
 
 
 
===================================== 
 
 
Dear Ex-Husband: 
 
 
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
 
 
 
It's true you & I have been married for 7 years,
 although a good man is a far cry from what you've been.
 
 
I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your
 constant whining & griping. Too bad, that doesn't
 work. 

 I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st
 thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a
 girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if
 you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And
 when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me
 confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7
 years ago. 
 
About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because
the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it
was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from
me that morning. 
 
 
After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could
work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars,
I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when
I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I
guess. 
 
 
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My
lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't
get a penny from me. 
 
 
So take care. 
 
 
Signed, 
 
 
Your, Ex-Wife, 
Rich As Hell & Free! 
 
 
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my
sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a
problem!!! 
 
 

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Sample Resignation Letter

A change in job is an important time in one's career. While you may have written a great acceptance letter to your future employer stating your intent to join, it's equally important to leave your current employer on a positive note.

Writing a professional resignation letter would ensure that people remember you when you leave and the employers keep their gates open, in case you decide to come back in the future.

Here are some things to keep in mind when composing a resignation letter.

State your intention clearly

There is no need for lengthy explanations, you can simply state that you are resigning from your position to pursue other interests or opportunities. Keep it brief, but respectful, and mark the letter to your direct supervisor with a copy to the Human Resource manager.

Mention things that you would want to negotiate

Your resignation letter should provide a structure for your meeting with your boss. You can politely state what you deserve, such as a payout that was pending, vacation time, or any bonuses that were supposed to come your way.

Don't be overtly demanding, as you still have an exit interview to state your needs. 

List down your current projects and completion dates

Your boss may not know the details of all the projects you are currently working on. It is your responsibility to remind him of the same. Provide a list of projects and their expected dates of completion, if there are any tasks that may not get completed within your notice period, explain the backup plan that you have in mind. As far as possible, finish the job and don't leave projects half completed.

Offer to train your replacement

You could also recommend colleagues who can take up your responsibilities, to your boss.

Share resumes of qualified candidates or recommend a valued co-worker for your position.

Also, mention your willingness to put in a few extra hours to train your replacement. Proofread your letter for errors and save a copy for your reference before sending it out.


Farewell e-mails

By the time you finish serving your notice period, the word about your resignation would have spread around. So there is no need for sending out a sobbing e-mail, or one which boasts of your accomplishment.

Just 'thank everyone' for their support and provide your contact details (personal e-mail ID and phone number).

A sample letter:

Dear Mr Sharma,

I would like to resign from my job with immediate effect. I have taken this decision to pursue another opportunity that would act as a catalyst in my career.

I would be serving a one month notice starting tomorrow and would like to be relieved of my responsibilities by February 15, 2007. I would like to thank you for your support and insights that made my stint a great learning experience.

I am currently working on the following projects:

  • Conducting market research for our proposed product -- slated to be completed by end of this week.
  • Studying the sales trends for the last six months and providing a report -- slated to be completed by February 8.

I would like to discuss the following when we meet:

  • My pending bonus for the current financial year.
  • Vacation time and its adjustment with the notice period.

I would like to recommend a few team members for my position and would be happy to train and support my replacement.

Please let me know of a convenient time to meet and discuss the same.

Yours sincerely,
Amit Sharma
Designation & department

So, when you realise that it's time to say goodbye, do it in style and make a positive exit!

Thursday, September 17, 2009

FAQ on Leave Travel Allowance

Basically, it is a monetary benefit that you get on the expenses you incur when you travel.

Here's to clearing your doubts.

1. On what basis can I claim LTA?

If you fulfill two criteria, you can do so:

i. You should have taken leave from your company 

ii. You should actually travel

You can either travel alone or with your family. However, if your family travels without you, no LTA can be claimed.

2. How often can I claim LTA?

Twice in the block of four calendar years. 

This block is not calculated with the start of your employment. The government defines these blocks. 

Presently the block is 2002-2005. Since it is the calendar year and not the financial year, it will be from January 1, 2002 to December 31, 2005.

3. What if I fail to avail of it?

In case you fail to do so, there is a carry over option. 

Let's say that in the block of four years, you never did claim any LTA.

You can do so in the first year of the next block of four years.

4. What is the proof of travel to avail of LTA?

According to rule 2B, you can produce an air, rail or any public transport ticket.

You can even submit the bills issued by the car rental company if you rent a vehicle.

However, the travel is applicable anywhere in India and not abroad. So an international air ticket will not hold.

5. Is LTA taxed?

You can receive LTA as either reimbursement or allowance.

Reimbursement

In case of LTA as reimbursement, it is not taxable.

Let's say your company offers an LTA of Rs 50,000. For proof of travel, you produce an air ticket of Rs 10,000.

In such a case, you can claim only Rs 10,000 as LTA and it will be exempt from tax.

Allowance

If you do not submit any proof of travel, you will get your LTA but will have to pay tax on it.

If you produce proof of travel, it will not be taxable to the extent your proof of travel is covered.

Let's say you are entitled to Rs 50,000 as LTA as part of your salary. Since you produced proof of travel as Rs 10,000, you will not be taxed on this amount. However you will be taxed on the net Rs 40,000 as per your income tax slab rate.

LTA is not a fringe benefit as the latter are benefits that are usually enjoyed collectively by the employees and cannot be attributed to individual employees.

6. Can both spouses claim LTA?

If both spouses are getting the LTA benefit in their places of work, they can both claim exemption on LTA from their employers and the benefit for four journeys in one block.

They do not have to take the precaution of not travelling twice during the same year.

Moreover, they can take the same family members or different ones as long as they stick to the definition of the members for this purpose.

Family includes spouse, children as well as dependent parents, brothers and sisters. In respect of children born on or after October 1, 1998, the exemption will be restricted only to two surviving children unless the birth after one child has resulted in multiple births (twins or triplets).

7. If I and my wife travel this year, can we both claim LTA simultaneously?

No. You cannot claim LTA twice for the same journey. If both of you take a holiday together and you claim LTA, she cannot.

8. If I am entitled to a particular amount as LTA, but my expenses are higher, can I claim more?

Say in the year 2005-06, you receive on Rs 8,000 as LTA, but spend Rs 50,000 on travel. You can claim exemption only to the tune of Rs 8,000.


Wednesday, September 9, 2009

20 Ways to Get Mentally Tough


20 Ways to Get Mentally Tough


1. When you face a setback, think of it as a defining moment that will lead to a future accomplishment.

2. When you encounter adversity, remember, the best don't just face adversity; they embrace it, knowing it's not a dead end but a detour to something greater and better.

3. When you face negative people, know that the key to life is to stay positive in the face of negativity, not in the absence of it. After all, everyone will have to overcome negativity to define themselves and create their success.

4. When you face the naysayer's, remember the people who believed in you and spoke positive words to you.

5. When you face critics, remember to tune them out and focus only on being the best you can be.

6. When you wake up in the morning, take a morning walk of gratitude and prayer. It will create a fertile mind ready for success.

7. When you fear, trust. Let your faith be greater than your doubt.

8. When you fail, find the lesson in it, and then recall a time when you have succeeded.

9. When you head into battle, visualize success.

10. When you are thinking about the past or worrying about the future, instead focus your energy on the present moment. The now is where your power is the greatest.

11. When you want to complain, instead identify a solution.

12. When your own self-doubt crowds your mind, weed it and replace it with positive thoughts and positive self-talk.

13. When you feel distracted, focus on your breathing, observe your surroundings, clear your mind, and get into The Zone. The Zone is not a random event. It can be created.

14. When you feel all is impossible, know that with God all things are possible.

15. When you feel alone, think of all the people who have helped you along the way and who love and support you now.

16. When you feel lost, pray for guidance.

17. When you are tired and drained, remember to never, never, never give up.. Finish Strong in everything you do.

18. When you feel like you can't do it, know that you can do all things through Him who gives you strength.

19. When you feel like your situation is beyond your control, pray and surrender. Focus on what you can control and let go of what you can't.

20. When you're in a high-pressure situation and the game is on the line, and everyone is watching you, remember to smile, have fun, and enjoy it. Life is short; you only live once. You have nothing to lose. Seize the moment.


If you think you can, you can.......




Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Five Foods for Better Sleep

Five Foods for Better
Sleep

By Monica Bhide, Natural
Solutions
If you âre among the estimated 65 percent of
Americans who have trouble sleeping at least a few nights a week, you âre
probably tired of hearing about all the possible culprits for your bedtime woes,
from too much caffeine and late-night TV to not enough exercise or unwind time
in the evenings.
While all of these factors certainly play a
role in your quality of shut-eye, there is one sleep saboteur that often goes
unrecognized even though it can have a profound effect on how soundly you
snoozeâ your diet.
In fact, food and sleep actually affect one
another: If you donât eat right, you lose sleep; and when youâre sleep-deprived,
your eating habits suffer, says Sally Kravich, a holistic nutritionist and
author of Vibrant Living: Creating Radiant Health and Longevity (SPK
Publications, 2003). âItâs the ultimate catch-22,â she says. âA lack of sleep
causes leptin, an appetite-regulating hormone, to crash, which causes you to eat
more,â she says. âNot only does eating more eventually lead to weight gain and
an increased risk of obesityâboth of which can affect how well you sleepâbut the
foods youâre most likely to reach for when youâre tired will keep you up at
night.â So whatâs an insomniac to do?
For starters, get clear about which foods
promote good shut-eye, and which have the potential to keep you up at night, and
adjust your diet accordingly.
Sleep-enhancing
foods
Whole grains.
Fiber-rich foods, such as brown rice and quinoa, do more than keep you full;
they contain large amounts of tryptophan, an essential amino acid that increases
the levels of serotonin (a feel-good neurotransmitter that calms the nervous
system) and melatonin (a sleep-inducing hormone secreted in response to
darkness) in the brain. Whatâs more, whole grains slowly nourish the body
throughout the night after you digest them, says Lauren Taylor, CTN, a
naturopath in Boulder, Colorado. That makes them an especially good choice for
anyone who wakes up hungry during the night. Whole-grain carbohydrates also have
a soothing effect. âCertain grains, like oats, act as natural relaxants and help
calm the nervous system,â says Taylor.
Legumes. The high
levels of B vitamins in legumes, such as black-eyed peas and lentils, also help
calm your nervous system, says Kravich. Adds Taylor: âLegumes can be a great
choice for an evening meal because they often replace animal protein, which can
cause sleep problems.â But legumes are not for everyone, warns Taylor. They can
be hard for some to digest. To know if you fall into this category, pay close
attention to how you feel after you eat them. If the legumes satisfy your hunger
without making you feel overly full or gassy, they could be a good addition to
your sleep-inducing arsenal. Have an upset stomach or feel sluggish after a meal
of legumes? Skip them altogether or eat them only in
moderation.
Herbal teas. Tempted
to have a glass of vino to unwind at night? Kravich recommends reaching for a
cup of tea instead, especially blends with chamomile, lavender, and mint.
âDrinking caffeine-free tea, particularly gentle herbal varieties, relaxes the
body, calms digestion, and soothes the stomach,â says Kravich. Taylor agrees,
but also says that the environment in which we eat potentially relaxing foods
can have a profound effect on our nervous system. âThat calming chamomile tea
isnât necessarily going to be so calming if you drink it while youâre on the
computer paying your bills at 10 oâclock at night,â says Taylor. Instead, take
your tea to a cozy spot where you can relax, smell the tea, and fully enjoy
drinking it. âUnwinding in the eveningâemptying outâthatâs whatâs important,â
says Taylor. âItâs a way of clearing your nervous system. If you havenât let go
of the dayâs activities, where is all that energy going to go? If it remains
pent up inside of you, itâs certainly going to affect your ability to
sleep.â
Fruit. Especially
high in sleep-inducing tryptophan, bananas, mangoes, and dates are also great
substitutes for higher-calorie desserts. âItâs all about changing your habits,â
says Kravich. âInstead of cutting out dessert completely, replace cake and
cookiesâwhich can keep you up at night because of their high sugar contentâwith
fruits that will satisfy your sweet tooth and help promote sleep. While fruits
do contain sugar, itâs naturalânot processedâand fruit also comes packed with
fiber.â Another benefit from fruits: their high antioxidant content. âThink of
nighttime as clean-up time for the body,â says Taylor. âIf you go into the
evening having just eaten foods that are cleansing and detoxifying, youâre
helping that clean-up cycle. Vegetables and fruit are the most detoxifying foods
you can eat.â
Soups and stews.
Adding sleep-inducing foods to your diet will certainly help you get your beauty
rest, but you should also pay attention to how you prepare them. âCooking
sleep-inducing foods at low temperatures for long periods of time is ideal,â
says Taylor. âSoups and stewsâparticularly those filled with fiber-rich veggies
and legumesâand low-fat casseroles are much more calming and relaxing than
seared meats and hot, spicy foods because when you cook something for a long
time, the cooking process acts almost like our own digestive system,â says
Taylor. Long cooking times break down the starches and sugars in foods, so your
body doesnât have to work very hard to access their nutrients.
Next: Five foods to avoid for a good nightâs
sleep
Sleep sappers
Fatty, high-protein
foods. We all know how important it is for good heart health to ease up
on saturated animal fats, but doing so can also help the state of your adrenal
glandsâimportant not only for good sleep but also for your overall health. Red
meat contains high levels of the amino acid tyrosine, which causes the adrenal
glands to pump cortisol through your body. This hormone is part of the
fight-or-flight reaction that prepares us to face or run away from dangerâand
certainly puts us in a heightened state thatâs hardly conducive to falling and
staying asleep. âUnder normal circumstances, your adrenal activity is at its
highest when you wake up and then descends throughout the day so itâs at its
lowest ebb before you go to sleep,â says Taylor. âTo promote good sleep, you
need to support this adrenal rhythm with the foods you eat.â And for most that
means turning the typical American diet upside down. Because high-protein foods
stimulate the body, eat them in the morning and at midday, suggests Taylor. For
dinner, steer clear of meats and other high-protein foods that will spike your
adrenal glands and opt for vegetables and plant-based sources of protein
instead.
Caffeine. While you
may think that morning cup of joe or two wonât interfere with your ability to
wind down later in the day, think again. Caffeine is a powerful stimulant that
affects the central nervous system. Although most doctors say it takes between
four and seven cups of regular coffee a day to hinder sleep, caffeineâlike red
meatârevs the body up. âCaffeine can overstimulate the adrenals, which actually
compounds fatigue as it wears off,â says Kravich. If you must have your morning
cup, eat something nutritious with it and add milk or soy milk to dull the
negative effects of the caffeine.
High-sugar, empty-calorie
sweets. âThink of cakes and cookies as the other end of the spectrum
from whole grains,â says Taylor. âSweets give you quick energy followed by a
crash,â she says. âBecause the energy you get from sweets isnât long and
sustained, odds are youâll wake up because youâre hungry.â Instead of typical
desserts, opt for fruit or even some healthy fats and whole grains, such as a
quarter of an avocado spread on whole grain toast. âHealthy fats are satisfying,
and they calm the nervous system,â says Taylor.
Cold foods. Even
during the hot summer months when you might be craving cold foods, such as
salads, smoothies, and ice cream, do keep in mind that theyâre not necessarily
the best for promoting sleep, says Taylor. âWhen you eat cold foods, your body
has to work hard to bring the foodâs temperature up to your body temp,â she
says. âIf the food has been cooked, your body doesnât have to spend as much
energy breaking down the food, which is ideal for evening meals when the goal is
to help your body unwind and work less.â Instead of a cold salad, for example,
steam veggies and eat them at room temperature with a good olive oil drizzled on
top.
Monica Bhide is a Dunn Loring,
Virginia based food writer whose work has appeared in The New York
Times, The Washington Post, and Food & Wine. Her book,
Modern Spice: Inspired Indian Flavors for the Contemporary Kitchen, was
released this month by Simon & Schuster.

Amplifying the Energy !!!

Amplifying the Energy of the Chakras

Chakras are the subtle energy centers of the body. The ancient Indian Yogis understood the nature of the subtle energy which drives all biological function. They called these centers Chakras? which literally means wheels.? Those who see energy often perceive the chakras as spinning with a wheel-like appearance.

This energy is most commonly referred to as chi or prana and it is the animating force behind all living things. Physiologists who search for a purely physical explanation of all biological activity are on a fools quest, like a man dissecting a piano in order to find the concerto hidden inside. The mystery is vast.

Somewhat like Dr. Abraham Maslows Hierarchy of Needs? which moves from survival, to sex, to emotional well-being, etc., the chakras have a similar hierarchy.

  • The first chakra at the base of the spine vibrates with the energy of safety and security.

  • The second chakra across from the genitals holds the energy of sex, procreation and creativity.

  • The third chakra at the solar plexus carries the energy of emotional expression.

  • The fourth chakra at the heart vibrates love.

  • The fifth chakra is at the throat and holds the energy of communication.

  • The sixth chakra is at the third eye? between the brows and holds energy for insight, awareness and wisdom.

  • The seventh chakra is at the crown of the head and and helps us open to our spirituality.



Most people who are familiar with the chakras do not realize that you can activate and amplify the energy of the chakras to assist yourself and others for the purpose of healing. Since energy follows thought, when you put your attention into the chakras, you are also bringing energy there. Since breath carries the life-force energy, breathing may also amplify the energy. When you have learned to link powerful body awareness exercises with focused breathing, and vortex the chakras, the energy you generate becomes remarkable.



Never lick an Envelope


 

 

Never lick an Envelope

 


 

CAUTION

 

One day a girl licked the envelopes and postage stamps instead of using a sponge. That very day the lady found a cut on her tongue. A week later, she noticed an abnormal swelling of her tongue. She went to the doctor, and they found nothing wrong. Her tongue was not sore or anything. A couple of days later, her tongue started to swell more, and it began to get really sore, so sore, that she could not eat. She went back to the hospital, and demanded something be done. The doctor took an x-ray of her tongue and noticed a lump. He prepared her for minor surgery. When the doctor cut her tongue open, a live cockroach crawled out!!!!


There were cockroach eggs on the seal of the envelope. The egg was able to hatch inside of her tongue, because of her saliva. It was warm and moist...

This is a true story reported on CNN.


Andy Hume wrote:


Hey, I used to work in an envelope factory. You wouldn't believe the....things that float around in those gum applicator trays. I haven't licked an envelope for years!" I used to work for a print shop (32 years ago) and we were told NEVER to lick the envelopes. I never understood why until I had to go into storage and pull out 2500 envelopes that were already printed and saw several squads of cockroaches roaming around inside a couple of boxes with eggs everywhere. They eat the glue on the envelopes.


PLEASE PASS THIS INFO TO YOUR FRIENDS. After reading this you will never lick another envelope or stamp.



Lawyer Joke


One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
 

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man 'Why are you eating grass?


'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied. 'We have to eat grass.


'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you', the lawyer said.


'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.


Bring them along,' the lawyer replied.


Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with us also.


The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, 'But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!


'Bring them all, as well,' the lawyer answered.

 

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was..

 

 Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, 'Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.

 





The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost 1 meter high!

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

US Finance Humor



Some humor before the markets open!!

1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the
building standing,. Its called the stock market - Jay Leno

2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are?? Wall Street is now
being called Wal Mart Street - Jay Leno

3. The difference between a pigeon and a London investment banker. The
pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW

4. What's the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las
Vegas and an investment banker? A tie!

5. The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that on the left
side nothing's right and on the right side nothing's left.

6. I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching our show,
if you get any emails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam.
Don't fall for it - Jay Leno

7. Bush was asked about the credit crunch. He said it was his
favourite candy bar - Jay Leno

8. The rescue bill was about 450 pages. President Bush's copy is even
thicker. They had to include pictures - Jay Leno

9. President Bush's response was to meet some small business owners in
San Antonio last week. The small business owners are General Motors,
General Electric and Century 21 - Jay Leno

10. What worries me most about the credit crunch, is that if one of my
cheques is returned stamped 'insufficient funds'. I won't know
whether that refers to mine or the bank's


Why Husbands like to remain silent!




 
A conversation between husband and wife:
 
 
 

WIFE: 'What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND: 'Definitely not!
WIFE: 'Why not? Don't you like being married?'
HUSBAND: 'Of course I do.
WIFE: 'Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND: 'Okay, okay, I'd get married again.'
WIFE: 'You would?'
HUSBAND: .......?
WIFE: 'Would you live in our house?'
HUSBAND: 'Sure, it's a great house.'
WIFE: 'Would you sleep with her in our bed?'
HUSBAND: 'Where else would we sleep?'
WIFE: 'Would you let her drive my car?'
HUSBAND: 'Probably, it is almost new.'
WIFE: 'Would you replace my pictures with hers?'
HUSBAND: 'That would seem like the proper thing to do.'
WIFE: 'Would you give her my jewelry?'
HUSBAND: 'No, I'm sure she'd want her own.'
WIFE: 'Would she wear my shoes'
HUSBAND: 'No, her size is 6.'
WIFE: -- silence -
HUSBAND: 'shit.